The Wrong Kind Of Challenge

I am a person who likes a challenge, I say that and then I think... Hmm, do I really? Because realistically, if someone were to challenge me, i would get extremely defensive very quickly... By no fault of my own I think, but I'm sure many people would disagree, that's just the way I am.

I like to be challenged with certain things... for example, I like to challenge myself... push myself harder and be the best me I can be. I push myself at the gym, at work, constantly challenging my idea of who I should be.

The only time I like it when other people push me, is when I say it's ok. Meaning, that I like competition. I love it when people, say to me "You cant do that" because I take personal offence to that, and I make it my mission to prove them wrong. What I do not like, however, is people challenging my perception of myself. I have a friend who is constantly challenging me, challenging my perception of self, how I see myself, the words that come out of my mouth and the way I behave.

As much as I dont like being enlightened in regards to my flaws, I do find self improvement to be an essential part of life, and I appreciate her honesty. But when the things that she says to me hit so many nerves, one has to ask ones self... is it really worth it?

Right now, I say no... Because I am a little down in the dumps, I am questioning myself and why I am the way I am.

I am an extremely proud person, and I have huge double standards when it comes to myself and my friends and the way they treat me. I hate sympathy, and I hate people knowing that I'm sick or that there's something wrong and I would love to think that I am very good at hiding these emotions, but recently I was told that I'm very transparent when Im upset... at the very least because I'm so quiet  when somethings wrong.

This pride often frustrates people, as do my doubler standards because if I am ill, or theres something wrong, I wont tell anyone, I'll power through until I collapse in a heap at home or someone notices and makes me stop but if one of my friends was acting the way I do, then I would be there, looking after them, no complaints, no questions asked.

So when this behavior is challenged, I immediately go on the defensive, saying things like "I can't lose control", "I cant be weak". Which makes me wonder, why "Can't"? Why not "won't"? I think that this is mostly because if i sound like I can not under any circumstances do what is requested of me, then that's a great excuse... But if the simple fact of the matter is that i wont... then why wont I? Whats wrong with me that I wont let people look after me? That I wont change how I behave? 

The short answer is... I guess, I'm afraid... but of what? This is something that I am currently pondering, because I really have no idea, I cannot pin point one thing that I am afraid of that would make me so controlling... I can think of half a dozen.

- I don't want to end up back in Newcastle

- I don't want to be like my parents (not there's anything wrong with my mum being a stay at home mum) but I don't want that for myself. 

- I want to be a success 

- I don't want to be forgotten

- I want to leave the world with my imprint... knowing that I've made a difference.

But, I am starting to think that maybe it will be possible for me to achieve these goals without using the word can't, or wont, because I don't like the idea that I won't do things. My goal this year is to say yes (within reason), to people offering me help, to people telling me I need to slow down, to friends, to family, and not shut down and get defensive.

Lets see how it goes... 

xx E.  

Being Sexy in the 21st Century

Photographer: Adam Bell-Ghijben
MUAH: Eldiese
Model: Eden

I was meandering along Brunswick St (Melbourne) a few days ago, and I happened upon an interesting conversaion... walking infront of me, were two reasonably attractive females (well reasonablly atrractive to me, but we'll get to that later) who were discussing just that, heir atractiveness. 


The first woman (at biggest a size 14) was complaining tha her thighs were too big, and the second, a woman with the most amazing legs I have ever seen, was complaining that she wasn't sexy enoough to attract attention from the oposite sex... and then proceeded to explain to her friend that that was why she wore low cut tops. My judgement of these two females was cut short after this last comment, as I realised that I too, had been guilty of getting the girls out for the boys just to get a satisfactory glance on a firday night, I mean hell, I live my weekends in steel boned corsets. However as she and her friend began comparing aspects of their physical appearance that were the least sexy, I thought, "There aare people in the world with all kins of kinky and extravigant fetishes for the weird and wonderful, so how is it, that the two of you have never found someone who believes that you are sexy? And on that note, who decides what's sexy? And does it differe from person to person?"


To answer my questions, I turned to my friends, facebook and fetlife. I posed the question, "Who is your sex symbol and Why? and What do you find Sexy? 


And what did I discover from the World Wide Web? I discovered, not only is Marilyn Monroe the No.1 sex symbol out there, but that everyone, everyone had a different opinion of what was sexy. Whether it was a physical trait or personality trait, not one person answered in the same way. Answers included:


confidence tattoos curves eyes breasts  short hair good sense of humor
modesty      Smile flexibility intelligence      caring    honesty smell   age feet 
height  skin colour booty accents weight dirty talk   peircings   kink  cooking 


So long story short... stop comparing yourself to other women, I know its hard... and I do it as well, back stage at a show, commenting on the other performers and their bodies... but we have to stop! 


You are beautiful!!! believe it! Own it!

xxx

Eldiese

Plus Size Modelling and Body Issues in the industry...

This is me in a recent shoot at The Boudoir

Photographer: Cassie Hardy
Model: The Matron
MUAH: Eldiese Mua
Stylist: Lady Melody

Hey Guys, 

So I thought I would get a bit personal tonight... 

Images of female bodies are everywhere. Women—and their body parts—sell everything. Popular film and television actresses are becoming younger, taller and thinner, in many cases skeletal. Women’s magazines, the internet and social media are full of articles urging that if the general population can just lose those last ten kilos, they’ll have it all—great sex, great personal life and a rewarding career. And although, I do not believe this, it is extremely hard not to get sucked in.

Why are standards of beauty being imposed on women, the majority of whom are naturally larger and more mature than any of the models? 

The stakes are huge. On the one hand, women who are insecure about their bodies are more likely to buy beauty products, new clothes, and diet aids. It is estimated that the diet industry alone is worth anywhere between 40 to 100 billion (U.S.) a year selling temporary weight loss (90 to 95% of dieters regain the lost weight).

On the other hand, research indicates that exposure to images of thin, young, air-brushed female bodies is linked to depression, loss of self-esteem and the development of unhealthy eating habits in women and girls. I, myself have struggled with a lifetime of body issues and self esteem problems, including a two year battle with bulimia. Which not only affected me, but my relationship with my ex-partner, my family and of course, my relationship with myself. 

The American research group Anorexia Nervosa & Related Eating Disorders, Inc. says that one out of every four university-aged women uses unhealthy methods of weight control—including fasting, skipping meals, excessive exercise, laxative abuse, and self-induced vomiting. The pressure to be thin is also affecting young girls: the Canadian Women's Health Network warns that weight control measures are now being taken by girls as young as 5 and 6. Personally, I tried everything... some tricks worked, some did not, my substance of choice was laxatives and my illness ultimately came to a head when I made myself throw up for the first time and I looked at myself in the mirror with horror and disgust. I'm not saying I recovered straight away... it took me months of depression to actually tell someone about my illness, and then multiple psychologists, as well as a roller coaster ride of emotions to get me to where I am today. 

Tell me... what is wrong with this picture? Nothing. 

Overall research indicates that 90% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance in some way.

Perhaps most disturbing is the fact that media images of female beauty are unattainable for all but a very small number of women. Researchers generating a computer model of a woman with Barbie-doll proportions, for example, found that her back would be too weak to support the weight of her upper body, and her body would be too narrow to contain more than half a liver and a few centimeters of bowel. A real woman built that way would suffer from chronic diarrhea and eventually die from malnutrition. Ha! So take that Barbie-doll wanna-be's. 

Researchers report that women’s magazines have ten times more ads and articles promoting weight loss than men’s magazines do, and over three-quarters of the covers of women’s magazines include at least one message about how to change a woman’s bodily appearance—by diet, exercise or cosmetic surgery.

Television and movies reinforce the importance of a thin body as a measure of a woman’s worth. Which helps no one.

Although, there have been efforts in the magazine industry to buck the trend. Advertising rules the marketplace and in advertising thin is "in." Twenty years ago, the average model weighed 8 per cent less than the average woman—but today’s models weigh 23 per cent less. Advertisers believe that thin models sell products. When the Australian magazine New Woman recently included a picture of a heavy-set model on its cover, it received a truckload of letters from grateful readers praising the move. But its advertisers complained and the magazine returned to featuring bone-thin models. And big business wins again! What a big surprise.

The barrage of messages about thinness, dieting and beauty tells "ordinary" women that they are always in need of adjustment—and that the female body is an object to be perfected.

I am now here to make a rebuttal! If you'v read my previous posts, you know that I'm a member of The Bad Ladies a troupe of extremely sexy and unique women, all of whom are extremely curvaceous. Being apart of this amazing group of women and apart of the Burlesque sub culture, has done wonders for my self esteem and my body image. Burlesque is a sub-culture that embraces curvy women, and when I get on stage, or speak to the people who have come to watch us and the other dancers, I get such a rush! It has made me so much more confident in myself and as a result, I have not had a relapse for 4 months now... and I feel great!

So great that I have actually started to do a little bit of plus size modelling, and yes, I still feel that insecure about myself that I am compelled to add 'plus size' every time I refer to myself as a model as I really don't want people to think that I think that I am a regular model... (so obviously, I still need to work on my issues).

The key is confidence, every time I walk into a room full of strangers or I go on stage, I mentally say to myself... "You are sexy, intelligent and worth it" and even if there is a tiny part of me that doesn't believe it, the rest of the world does not need to know that. 

So, to the media, social expectations, and the skinny orange barbie dolls that line streets in today's day and age, I say Real women are curvy, real women have breasts and sag with age and have imperfections and I love them!

xx

Eldiese

So, my facebook page is:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Eldiese-MUA/209182045799895

youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/byeldiese

instagram:
ELdiese (MUA)