Wednesday, 16 January 2013

The Wrong Kind Of Challenge

I am a person who likes a challenge, I say that and then I think... Hmm, do I really? Because realistically, if someone were to challenge me, i would get extremely defensive very quickly... By no fault of my own I think, but I'm sure many people would disagree, that's just the way I am.

I like to be challenged with certain things... for example, I like to challenge myself... push myself harder and be the best me I can be. I push myself at the gym, at work, constantly challenging my idea of who I should be.

The only time I like it when other people push me, is when I say it's ok. Meaning, that I like competition. I love it when people, say to me "You cant do that" because I take personal offence to that, and I make it my mission to prove them wrong. What I do not like, however, is people challenging my perception of myself. I have a friend who is constantly challenging me, challenging my perception of self, how I see myself, the words that come out of my mouth and the way I behave.

As much as I dont like being enlightened in regards to my flaws, I do find self improvement to be an essential part of life, and I appreciate her honesty. But when the things that she says to me hit so many nerves, one has to ask ones self... is it really worth it?

Right now, I say no... Because I am a little down in the dumps, I am questioning myself and why I am the way I am.

I am an extremely proud person, and I have huge double standards when it comes to myself and my friends and the way they treat me. I hate sympathy, and I hate people knowing that I'm sick or that there's something wrong and I would love to think that I am very good at hiding these emotions, but recently I was told that I'm very transparent when Im upset... at the very least because I'm so quiet  when somethings wrong.

This pride often frustrates people, as do my doubler standards because if I am ill, or theres something wrong, I wont tell anyone, I'll power through until I collapse in a heap at home or someone notices and makes me stop but if one of my friends was acting the way I do, then I would be there, looking after them, no complaints, no questions asked.

So when this behavior is challenged, I immediately go on the defensive, saying things like "I can't lose control", "I cant be weak". Which makes me wonder, why "Can't"? Why not "won't"? I think that this is mostly because if i sound like I can not under any circumstances do what is requested of me, then that's a great excuse... But if the simple fact of the matter is that i wont... then why wont I? Whats wrong with me that I wont let people look after me? That I wont change how I behave? 

The short answer is... I guess, I'm afraid... but of what? This is something that I am currently pondering, because I really have no idea, I cannot pin point one thing that I am afraid of that would make me so controlling... I can think of half a dozen.

- I don't want to end up back in Newcastle
- I don't want to be like my parents (not there's anything wrong with my mum being a stay at home mum) but I don't want that for myself. 
- I want to be a success 
- I don't want to be forgotten
- I want to leave the world with my imprint... knowing that I've made a difference.

But, I am starting to think that maybe it will be possible for me to achieve these goals without using the word can't, or wont, because I don't like the idea that I won't do things. My goal this year is to say yes (within reason), to people offering me help, to people telling me I need to slow down, to friends, to family, and not shut down and get defensive.

Lets see how it goes... 

xx E.  

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